This Way... or That? How Do You Know?

  

How many times have you heard this question, or asked it of another?

"What should I do?"

And, how often have you heard yourself say (sometimes even without having been asked):

"You should... "

 

Uncertainty is uncomfortable. It makes us squirm. It challenges us. Sometimes it's downright painful.

So we look for leadership -- formal or informal; external or internal. It's like being a hiker in the wilderness, needing a compass to point the way North, so we can orient ourselves and set clear direction.

And, while I am a huge proponent of the value of leadership -- as well as the need for each of us to cultivate stronger personal leadership -- if I had my way, I would ban the word, 'should'.

Why? Because no one really wants our 'should'.

 

We Deserve Better

First of all, the word 'should' sounds a lot like the word 'sh*t' in English and, like its quasi-namesake, is too often a regurgitation of our own experiences or thoughts that we unload, dump or otherwise impose on another.

Whether we are 'should'ng' on others, or ourselves, it's too easy to say whatever is top-of-mind, offer advice that doesn't fully consider the other's vision for themselves or what really matters to them. Sometimes, they/we don't even fully know what that is and 'shouldn'g' covers up the need for and/or possibility of deeper exploration!

In addition, 'should'ng' often causes us to arrive at a superficial course of action without thorough consideration or depth of thought. It's too easy to shrink back into our comfort zone; or, to try to numb the discomfort that true growth causes us to experience. 'Should' is a cheap and easy way to enable us to settle for less than our potential. I irreverently call it "lazy leadership".

 

Real leadership is welcome, and needed. Tweet:

There he was, looking at me with expectant eyes, brimming with hope but also laced with fear and a hint of panic. He had a big vision. This was his future we were talking about. He felt like this was one of those 'make or break' decisions, and he wasn't taking it lightly.

The ball was in my court...

The 'should' question had been asked, and he was expectantly awaiting my 'wisest' answer. I'd been here before and I so wanted to help!

I've spent the better part of my career in the coaching arena -- helping others to realize their potential. So I cannot even begin to count the number of times I've seen that look in someone's eyes and felt the nervous anxiousness as they explore their next best course of action. I've experienced first-hand that twinge of excitement mixed with an equivalent portion of doubt. The 'should' question has been asked of me over and over again; and, truth told: I've looked for that same reassuring guidance from others, too; countless times.

But, this time was different. The ante was upped. This was my son who was asking me the question!

Oh... the temptation was so high to just give him my best 'should'! To pull a "mother knows best" moment... because, well, err, I was sure I did -- know what was best for him, that is! 

I also felt the stakes were high and did NOT want him to make the 'wrong' decision! It was a golden opportunity -- my thoughts about not 'shouldn'g' notwithstanding.

I drew a deep breath...

Mustering all my self-discipline, I knew this was not the time to be his Mom.

This was the time to do what a real leader does: lead.

Better yet, this was the time to do what a great leader does: develop the leader within him.

 

The Opportunity of Leadership

I like to research and quote 'great minds'. When I do, whatever I share, it's not just lip service to me. They're often wisdom and perspectives that I need to remember to live and lead well and which I think will help others do the same. 

In this instance, with my son, this was not a time for me to lead by telling, or even guiding. This was a time to walk the following talk:

 

So I pulled out the "big guns". 

Not my opinion.

Not my desire for what was best for him.

Certainly not my experiences.

And, definitely NOT my advice.

I did what I believe the very best leaders do, to lead well:

I began asking questions.

 

The Answers Are in the Questions Tweet:

The answers are in the questions. That said, there is little that is more annoying, frustrating, and even discouraging than seeking genuine input, counsel or advice from another and then being met with some kind of trite, do-nothing, avoidance like, "Well, what do YOU think you should do?"

That's just moving the 'should' around.

Rather, it's important to be able to ask a set of questions that truly energizes one's leadership from within.

They're questions that foster the kind of exploration that leads to real and meaningful discovery of the 'best' answer we are capable of in the moment.

It's a type of questioning that also leads to an ongoing inquiry -- one which leaves room for the 'best' answer to grow and morph and evolve, as we do.

Here, then, is a simple guide I share with you -- 5 extraordinarily powerful questions Tweet: -- that are each potent on their own and synergistic when used in combination.

  

 

You can use the questions alone, or in combination (noting that they do have a synergistic effect when used together). 

You can also use them in sequence, starting with vision, or in a different order, to 'start' wherever it makes most sense and whatever is most pressing. You can blend them with other questions, too.

Their purpose is to help you guide and empower other people, or to lead yourself, depending on the situation that you want to navigate.

My son is fiercely independent and self-regulating. He doesn't often ask me for advice. The stakes were high, in keeping with his desire to make the 'right' decision.

I began asking the questions. We went a bit back and forth between the first three.

Then, I asked the fourth one (about challenges) and my son suddenly paused. I swear I saw a light bulb go off over his head! His eyes cleared. His shoulders straightened.

"That's IT!" he exclaimed. "I know exactly what I want to do, why I've been hesitating and what I've been afraid of!" he announced resolutely.

"Uhhh. Wait. So what are the challenges? What's 'IT'? What are you going to do?" my inquiring Mom-mind wanted to know.

Too late! He'd already grabbed his stuff, left the table we were seated at, and was headed out the door. He knew exactly what he needed to do and was off to make it happen!

So it goes when you create leaders vs. followers!

P.S. I found out later what his decision was. It was EXACTLY what I'd hoped (read: happy Mom). He never did confide the challenges or fears; he just faced them and moved on and he's been growing ever since.

The lesson I learned is this. If you aspire to help those around you (as the following quote suggests) to: "dream more; learn more; do more; and, become more", use the power of query to guide your actions, and theirs. It's a great way to energize potential.

 

This Way... or That? How Do Great Leaders Know?

More importantly: How Do YOU Know?

The answers are in the questions. 

It means we'll have to be or become interested in what matters to others. It takes a bit of patience. Listening. Presence. Leadership.

The question now is, "will you?"

Being clear on direction and our path forward brings a sense of resolution and certainty to our lives. It's an expectation of those in positions of leadership and it's a gift of clarity and focus from a personal leadership point of view, because 'life' doesn't care whether you hold the title, or not. To live well, we must lead well, too.

To that end, you, or someone you mentor, may find CHART YOUR COURSE helpful. It's a short, very focused, online program designed to help you achieve a deep dive awareness of the skill set of leadership together with the guidance to chart your own, tailored, high performance development path. 

 

If you haven't already, subscribe to the Leader's Digest. Periodically, I'll share resources (mine and others) to help support your success. Please join me: it's an honour to be more closely connected with like-minded thinkers!

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Please share: What are your thoughts about these questions?

Have you or do you use them? How have they worked for you? Your comments help us all get better.